Changes

Last night, I found out a really close friend of mine is gay. I took it pretty hard actually. He finally decided to come out after so many months. We had suspected it anyway, but really just wanted to hear it from him. I honestly thought it wouldn't hit me as hard as it did. Things are completely different now. Because, I know in the back of my mind, that we all will never ever have that relationship/bond/friendship that we used to. It's just never going to be the same, and for that I'm experiencing anguish. It's just sinking in really hard and I haven't really had the chance to figure out how to deal yet. He had to push everyone away that he loved so that he could figure out if this is the life he wanted. If these were his true feelings.

I'm soo happy for him though. I'm really glad he finally found himself and found out who he really is. Not everyone can say they did that. Very few people that I know are like that. I give him so much credit. Although, it took him months to actually tell us, I'm finally glad that he did. Because now, I can stop being mad at him. I can stop resenting him the way I did when he broke up with my best friend. It all makes pretty good sense now.

I feel like a piece of me is gone. I feel like I lost him as a friend. I never talk to him anymore since the break-up. It's almost like he tries to avoid me..so it feels anyway. I dunno. I miss the 4 of us. All 4 of us were always together. Like our own little click. (Although, I hate clicks) We all had so many great memories that I will never forget; that I don't want to ever forget.

This is still so hard for me to deal with even though I am trying so hard. I just need to talk to him. Get some closure. I think I'll do that now...